People have a need to be listened to because of an increased sense of isolation at home and at work.  This is one of the reasons for the popularity of social networks like Facebook and Twitter.  While these sights help you make connections, they don’t always give you the opportunity for the type of listening which helps you understand all the dynamics in a situation.  

Listening is one of the most important aspects of a helping relationship. The value in listening to someone is that it:

• Shows you care for that person.  
• Creates connection and a sense of community or belonging.
• Can be a catharsis for the speaker. 
• Lowers blood pressure.
• Can lead to increased relaxation for the listener. 

Listening is an art that can be mastered once you understand what is required  and with some practice.

First of all, listening  is an active experience which requires involvement and commitment.  While listening may appear passive, it is important to remember that during listening, the inside of your brain is extremely active.  To be a good listener, you have to want to listen.  It means doing what needs to be done rather than what you might sometimes like to do.

Second, the good listener needs to have patience.  If you are in a hurry and are anxious to get the situation “solved” or “fixed,” chances are that you will do a poor job listening and a poor job caring.  Part of being patient also means not filling every silence during the conversation.  Silences are usually not as long as they seem.  You do not have to keep the conversation going.

Third, the physical setting is important when you are listening to someone.  Listening can happen in many places as long as there are no major distractions.  The goal is to give your full attention so that the person is able to comfortably share good things or concerns with you.  Positive Psychology researcher, Shelly Gable, discovered that knowing how to listen to positive things that your spouse or significant other experiences is more important in enhancing a relationship than listening to the negatives. 

It also helps if you and the person you are listening to feel reasonably comfortable and relaxed.  Sometimes this may mean you need to plan ahead to insure the setting is as distraction-free as possible and interruptions are minimized.  If distractions are excessive, you have two options: end the session with a plan to meet later or continue – trying to do the best that you can.

Now that the stage is set for listening, the following points describe how to listen:

• Be attentive.  Use your eyes to watch for nonverbal cues.  Keep your ears keen and your heart open.
• Look at the person (direct eye contact may make some people uncomfortable) and look alert.
• Do not drum or tap your fingers, play with a pencil or other objects, glance or stare at your watch, or yawn deeply.
• Listen for feelings, thoughts or ideas, attitudes about the situation, opinions about what can be done, body language, recurring themes, or contradictions.
• Acknowledge what is being said by paraphrasing or reflecting what the person is saying and feeling.  Using words that describe how a person feels shows understanding and allows him or her to correct anything that may have been misunderstood.  Also, it encourages the person to expand on what was being said.
• Make sure your tone of voice and facial expression communicate acceptance which demonstrates you are committed to helping.
• Ask questions that are open-ended (how, what, when, where).  Check out what he or she hears, thinks, feels, wants, and plans to do.  Do not ask too many questions.  Spend most of your time listening.  Stay away from “why” questions which make people feel defensive. 
• Avoid quick conclusions and trying to figure out solutions if there is a problem.

Action Step:  Look for opportunities to practice listening, especially when the conversation is conflict free for you.  Choose a time and place that will allow you to be attentive.  Let yourself relax knowing you can be a good listener.

In my next post, I will give some tips for listening when someone has problems.

Maurine