Research indicates self-esteem scores have jumped significantly for children in the last 30 years. I was actually part of that movement as I wrote my dissertation on the interaction of self-esteem, anxiety, and achievement.

However, in the last 5 years, experts have become concerned that the self-esteem movement has gone too far. This is based on the reaction tweens, teenagers, and adults with high self-esteem have when they get negative feedback. They think of it as criticism and do not know how to handle it. Some get angry and lash out; others get depressed and withdraw. The constant stream of positive feedback has not helped them learn to be resilient.

For instance, a comment that is sometimes given to children by parents, coaches, and teachers is “good job” when in fact it isn’t. This kind of feedback is not helpful even though it may be thought of as encouraging if the job is only okay or not done well. This is because it creates a false sense of self-esteem.

I am recently hearing the comment “good job” a lot at softball games when balls or strikes are called by the umpire. The pitcher has not thrown a strike; the batter has missed the ball. I believe the pitcher and batter usually know when they are doing a good job. It confuses them if they are told “good job” or “you’re great” if it is not true. Wouldn’t it be better to say something like “Stay focused” or “Watch the ball.”

The same is true for adults at work. If your boss or supervisor tells you that you have done a good job on something and you have not, it can be confusing. It can set you up for problems later on when you need to do the same thing. If you choose to do what you did before because you were told you did a good job and now it does not work, you may feel betrayed.

An okay job is not going to get you the new position or promotion you want. It is not going to help you improve your important relationships or contacts with people. It is not going to help you be a better student or supervisor or leader. You need feedback that helps you do your best. Feedback is helpful when it is appropriately positive and when it points out things you need to improve.

Unrealistic self-esteem (too high or low) will not help you handle the tough situations in life. Begin today to start to ask for honest or accurate feedback so you learn from it. You cannot take steps to improve if you do not have the information you need to change your behavior. Also be sure to give others in your life accurate feedback in a positive way.

Comment below about what you think about overdoses of positive feedback.

To your success,

Maurine

The next time you are concerned about your child’s behavior or attitude, think about which of the following 5 principles apply to the situation you are concerned about.  Then ask yourself the questions for that principle to get more insight into your child’s strengths and needed areas of development:

1.  Be aware of your own and others’ feelings.

• How well can my child identify and verbalize feelings?
• Can my child identify feelings in others?

2.  Show empathy and understand the point of view of others.

• How does my child show empathy or relate to the feelings of others?
• Can my child understand different points of view or see both sides of an argument?

3.  Regulate and cope positively with emotional and behavioral impulses.

• Can my child wait to get what he/she wants?
• How well can my child tolerate frustration?
• How does he/she express anger or other negative feelings?

4.  Be positive.

• What goals does my child have?
• Does my child plan things out before doing something?
• How have I helped him/her develop a plan for achieving a goal?

5.  Use positive social skills in handling relationships?

• How does my child resolve conflict?
• Does he/she listen and think of different ways of resolving conflicts?
• Can he/she do it independently?

The two factors in children that predict success and happiness in adults are:

• Learning how to deal with adversity.
• Knowing how to create and sustain joy in their life.

Using the 5 EI principles, you have the opportunity of modeling and teaching your child how to deal with adversity.  You also have the opportunity to demonstrate to your child how to create and sustain joy.

EI may be responsible for as much as 80% of the “success” in your adult life.  As you think about when you and your child are at your best and worst, which of the five principles are the easiest for you and which are the most challenging? 

It is not too late to learn how to put these principles into action.  It does take some effort, practice, and support.   However, as a parent, the payoff is worth it.

Maurine

The idea of EI was proposed in the early 1980’s.  One way to define EI is the ability to access and make use of your feelings in order to be motivated and make good decisions.  Daniel Goleman, a leading authority on EI, describes the abilities that make up EI as your capacity to recognize your own feelings and those of others in order to manage your emotions.

Emotional Intelligence:

• Defines how and what you learn.
• Helps you set priorities and make choices.
• Reduces discipline problems.
• Increases on task behavior.

In the last twelve years, researchers have discovered that emotional awareness and the ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness, including family relationships.  For instance, people in good moods are better at inductive reasoning (logical reasoning from facts) and creative problem solving. 

EI is not set like IQ.  These abilities are learned and are retained through mitivation, effort, practice, and support.  Children learn EI from a combination of modeling, experience, practice, and reflection.  The family setting is an excellent place to provide this opportunity.

EI parenting focuses on 5 main principles: 

1.   Be aware of your own feelings and those of others.

• Think of a recent problem in the family.
• How were you, your children, or others feeling who were involved in the problem?

2.  Show empathy and understand others’ points of view.

·         Am I able to understand another’s point of view even during an argument 

     or when I don’t agree?

·         Do I express it to them?

3.  Regulate and cope positively with emotional and behavioral impulses.

·         How do I cope with anger, anxiety, and others stresses?

·         Am I able to maintain self-control when stressed or after a hard day?

·         How often do I yell at others?

·         When are my best and worst times?

4.  Be positive.

·         Have goals and be plan oriented.

·         What goals do I have for my family and myself?

·         What plans do I have for achieving them?

5.  Use positive social skills in handling relationships.

·         Do I listen to others and reflect back to people what they are saying?

·         How do I deal with problematic, everyday interpersonal situations?

Think about how you can use these 5 principles when you are parenting.  In my next post, I will discuss how you can apply these principles to check on your child’s developing EI.

Maurine