Resilience has been said to be essential to being a mature, emotionally healthy adult.

When things are tough, it is important to be realistically optimistic because this increases your ability to solve problems and find solutions. This means you will:

• Do your best to stay in the present (not past or future).
• Be specific about the situation (not generalize it).
• Determine what you believe to be true (identify and stop catastrophic thoughts).

Sometimes your beliefs or thoughts may have to be challenged because they lead to strong negative feelings which can create feelings of hopelessness.

For instance, if you:

• Believe your rights have been violated, you will feel angry. 
• Believe there is something threatening about the future, you will
  feel worried or anxious. 
• Think about loss, you will feel sad.

When you feel negative, you need to be a detective. Ask yourself,
“What do I believe about this situation?”

If the situation is threatening, you will need to have ways to calm yourself to stop catastrophic thinking. When you are calm, you have a more accurate perspective and can think more clearly about options. It is important to avoid the following because they will overwhelm you: 

• Over-generalizing.
• Mind reading, and
• Jumping to assumptions.

Instead, ask yourself these three key questions: 

1. What opportunities are there in this situation? 
2. What resources do I have – within myself and externally?
3. How can I use these resources to embrace this opportunity?

All of these ideas help increase realistic optimism and resilience and can be learned. You will find that some are more appropriate for certain situations. Some may take practice for you to fully benefit from doing them.

Action Step: Choose to accept what cannot be changed. Take time to see how you can put this information into a plan that will work for you. Learning and personal growth are possible.

Comments below are welcome.

To your succes,
Maurine

What helps you be more successful and cope with the busyness of daily life? I believe accessing the power of gratitude is an important part of the answer to this question.

The practice of gratitude as a tool for happiness has been in the mainstream for years. Long-term studies support gratitude’s effectiveness. They suggest that a positive, appreciative attitude contributes to:

• Greater success in work and relationships
• Improved health
• Peak performance in sports and business and
• A higher sense of well-being.

While you may acknowledge gratitude’s many benefits, it can be difficult to sustain. We are trained to notice what is broken, undone or lacking in our lives. For gratitude to meet its full potential, it needs to become more than just a word used at Thanksgiving. It takes a new way of looking at things to be grateful. While that may take you some time to put in place, it is worth the effort.

That is why practicing gratitude makes so much sense. My life would not be what it is without practicing gratitude daily. For me, it is what gets me through the difficult times. Often noticing little things around me is what helps keep me centered.

When you practice giving thanks for all you have instead of complaining about what you lack or what is wrong, you give yourself the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing. It enlarges your perspective and helps you focus on the important things.

Remember that gratitude is not a blindly optimistic approach in which the bad things in life are ignored. It is more a matter of where you put your focus and attention. Pain and injustice exist in this world. When you focus on the gifts or blessings in your life, you gain a feeling of well-being. Gratitude balances you and gives hope. It brings calmness when there is turmoil.

There are many things to be grateful for: body parts that work, the beauty in nature, friends who listen and really hear, chocolate, the ability to read, and pets.

Make your own list of things you are grateful for or appreciate. Review this list and add new items to help keep it updated and fresh.

To your success,

Maurine

Principles are guidelines or tools to help you achieve something that is important.  They simplify a lot of incoming data so that you do not get overwhelmed.  As you continue reading, remember that all principles can have exceptions.

What is something you want to be successful at in your life?  It may be in your personal life as a spouse or parent or in your career or work.

Alexandria Brown has a successful marketing business.  She credits her success to the following 3 principles:

1. You are the average of the five people you choose to be with the most.
2. Your habits create your future.
3. Your environment needs to be supportive.

The first principle comes from Jim Rohn, whom some call the father of personal development and America’s foremost business philosopher.  This principle picks up on the old saying “birds of a feather flock together.”

What does this principle mean?  You will be similar to the people you tend to hang around in beliefs, values, and bank account balance.  If you are trying to be successful in a new endeavor, make an effort to be with others who are also successful in that particular area.

The second principle is mentioned by many personal development or self-improvement experts.  “Your habits create your future” which means that daily habits create long-term results.  Another way of saying this is that your habits today will determine your outcomes tomorrow.  This picks up on the old saying, “you reap what you sow.”  If you want to be physically healthy, you have to have healthy physical habits.

The third principle emphasizes the need to have an environment that supports your goals.  It has been pointed out by personal development experts that if you have an aquarium with a sick fish, you treat the water not the fish.  There are times when it is crucial to be in an environment that supports you at the level you want to be at – not at the level you are at now.  Depending on your situation, you may find support from family, friends, a mentor, a coach, or a mastermind group.

Environment can be thought of as:

• Physical – Are you happy with your office and home?  What are some little touches you can add to enhance your physical environment so that it is more supportive?
• Emotional – Are you getting the support you need from significant people in your life?  Have you asked for it?
• Intellectual – Do you stimulate yourself with new ideas and opportunities to learn new things?

Following these three principles of success will keep you steadily moving forward.

Action Steps:  Who are the five people you choose to be with?  What new habits can you start today?  What new ideas do you want to check out this week?

To your success,

Maurine

The feeling of frustration is a signal that something is not going well.  It can happen in your personal or professional life.  Its purpose is to get your attention – like a flashing red light.  Different things cause frustration for different people.

If frustration is not stopped, it will drain your energy.  It is unfulfilling, disappointing, and can prevent you from achieving your goals.  Because this feeling is not productive, it is important to learn to identify it as soon as possible. 

Answering the following three questions is an important first step in being able to stop feeling frustrated:

1. How do you know when you are frustrated?
2. Do you feel it in your body?  If so, where?
3. What are you saying or telling yourself about what is happening?  This is your belief about the situation.

Once you know you are frustrated, it is important to follow the next four steps in order to stop the feeling so that you can move forward:

1. Stop reacting to the stimuli.  You may need to withdraw from the situation for a few minutes and take some slow, deep breaths.  It is important to have positive self-talk while you are focusing on your breathing.  For example tell yourself, “I can help myself by staying calm.”  Then picture yourself being calm.
2. Be aware of your values.  These are the things in your life that are most important to you.  The more closely a situation matches your main values, the more satisfaction you will feel.  Try to connect some aspect of the situation to one or more of your main values.  If you cannot, you may need to think about how you can eventually remove yourself from the situation. 
3. Be aware of your strengths.  Think about how you can use one or more of your top strengths in the situation.  When you are able to use one of your strengths, you are more focused and fulfilled.
4. Make new goals or choices in a timely way.  When appropriate, simplify what you can.  Chunk down your goal into small steps so that it is easier to experience success.  Even achieving small steps can help relieve frustration.  Steady forward movement in something that is important to you decreases frustration.

Action Step:  The next time you are frustrated, follow the above steps.  You might want to write the steps down on a small card, and carry it around with you until the steps become more automatic.  After several weeks of practicing these steps, you will decrease your frustration, renew your energy, be more productive, and experience more satisfaction and fulfillment in your life.

To your success,

Maurine

1. What opportunities are there for me in this situation?
2. What resources do I have to help me?
3. How will I use my resources?

However, before you can answer these questions, you have to have self-awareness.  This means you are able to notice what you are feeling and be able to acknowledge the feeling. 

You own a feeling by naming it.  Think of the feeling as a cue that you need to notice and acknowledge what you are telling yourself.  You might be saying something like, “I can’t do this,” or “I need help with this.”  Be curious about what you discover you are telling yourself without reacting emotionally to it.

Now is the time to ask the first question listed above – What opportunities are there for me in this situation?  You might be surprised by the answers you get.

Sometimes the opportunities are not ones you would have chosen for yourself at that particular time.  You may not feel ready to meet the challenge of finding employment or another project to bid on, cleaning the kitchen, or doing the wash.  However, one of the most important things you can do for yourself is to stop and discover what opportunities there are for you in the situation.

After you have discovered some opportunities, the next step is to ask the second question – What resources do I have to help me? 

Identify your internal and external resources that will help you embrace the opportunities.  Internal resources may be your intelligence, sense of humor, the experience you bring, perseverance, courage, etc.  External resources may be your spouse, family, friends, someone you respect, money , time, etc.

The final step is to ask the third question – How will I use my resources?  Determine how your resources will help you move forward. 

When you get to this last step, you might want to talk with a trusted advisor to help you know what to do if the situation is complex.  The important thing is to come up with a plan that is doable and easy to follow through with over time.

These 3 steps will help you successfully handle many major and smaller disappointments or adversities. 

Action step:  The next time you notice yourself feeling disappointment or facing an adversity, ask the 3 key questions.  Determine the steps you will follow and the time frame you need to be successful as you embrace the opportunities ahead.  If you get stuck, find a coach to help you discover how to actively implement your plan.

Maurine

1. Uncertainty or self-doubt.
2. Loneliness.
3. Lack of meaning or an emptiness in your life.
4. Frustration.
5. Aggressiveness.

If you notice that you have any of the above symptoms, try using one or more of the following remedies to achieve the things that are important to you:

1. Uncertainty – Listen to feedback as objectively as possible.  What can you learn?  Rise above criticism and mistakes.  Trust and believe in your vision.  According to Robert E. Quinn, author of Deep Change, sometimes we have to “build the bridge as we walk on it.”
2. Loneliness - Initiate ways to get actively involved with something you are interested in or, even better, passionate about.  Seek out positive, trustworthy individuals for support.  Resist isolating.
3. Lack of meaning - Find something to do that is challenging or inspiring somewhere in your life.  Re-invent yourself.  What is your purpose in life, or what do you want to be remembered for doing?  Reframe the situation to give new meaning, i.e. “When given a lemon, make lemonade.”
4. Frustration – Be aware of your values.  The more closely a situation matches your main values, the more satisfied you will feel.  Stop reacting.  Break your goal into smaller steps.  Make sure the time frame you give yourself to accomplish what you want is realistic.
5. Aggressiveness - Slow down; take deep breaths.  Make a list of things in your life that you appreciate, are grateful for, or have gone well.  Do this several times a week.  Ask for a time out, and set a time to talk later.  Be aware of your needs.  Think about what is the result you want to create. Stay open and positive when you resume talking.

Sometimes it is helpful to talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or coach to help you sort out which symptom(s) you have.  That person can also be helpful in holding you accountable for trying the appropriate remedy and checking back with you to ensure you are making progress and becoming successful.  Once you are moving forward again, you will have the needed energy and motivation to pursue your goal.

Action Step:  Once you identify how you are stuck,  then locate the remedy from the list above that will get you moving in a positive direction.   Sometimes you may need to use more than one remedy for a particular situation. 

I love to help people be successful in aligning their actions with their values.

Maurine

Sometimes when you are not moving forward as planned, it can feel like being stuck or worse yet, failure.  Failure is never fun.  That is why so many people fear it.  It seems like too much is at risk.  It raises your anxiety which makes it harder for you to make wise choices.  Achievement may feel like only a dream – not a reality.

Lack of forward movement is easier to handle if it does not negatively affect your self-image.  For instance, it is hardest to handle if you have chosen one of your strengths, practiced it, and not been successful.  Yet, this is not all bad because sometimes it is how you learn.

When you are not achieving either a personal or professional goal, it is important to have good self-awareness.  You need to be able to be honest with yourself.  In addition, it is important to listen to feedback from people that you respect.  Denial about your behavior or role will only sabotage your progress.

Once you can be honest with yourself, you can check and see if you have any of the five warning signs or symptoms of stalled or stuck performance.  If noticed at an early stage, there are steps you can take to begin forward movement and ensure your success.

Warning signs of being stuck are feeling:

1. Uncertainty or self-doubt; you do not believe you can really do the task.  You hear yourself saying “I don’t know” a lot.
2. Loneliness; you lack the support system you need to pursue your goal.
3. Lack of meaning or an emptiness in your life; you have no sense of purpose in regards to your life.
4. Frustration; what you value about life and how you are spending most of your time may be in conflict.
5. Aggressiveness; there may be a fear of losing something that is very important to you.

Action Step:  Determine if you have any of the warning signs.  If you do, choose the one that is most important to you to eliminate.  What is the first step you need to take to begin to eliminate that warning sign? 

It is important to have support in the process of eliminating your symptoms.  Determine who your support people will be.  I will give five remedies (one for each symptom) in my next post. 

Maurine