Do This When You Ask for What You Want

How hard is it for you to ask for what you want?

Being able to ask for what you want is a powerful, empowering act that can send strong ripples through your life. When you are going through a transition or making a change in your life, it is important to be able to ask for what you want.

I'm sure there are times when it is easy enough to do this depending on the person you are talking to and the situation. Then, there may be times when you might be unsure of how to put your thoughts into words.

Being able to ask for what you want requires good self-awareness. You need to know your values (what's important to you and why), your strengths and some of your life goals. While it may seem simple enough, four things need to be in place first:

  1. You know what you want.
  2. You fully believe you deserve it.
  3. You are prepared to accept the answer "No."
  4. You have the communication skills needed to make an effective request.

 Let's look at each of the above elements.

What Do You Want?

Wants emerge from needs you are experiencing. Your needs are more basic than your wants. Knowing what your needs are helps you be clear about why you are making the request. Also, it is helpful to distinguish between needs that move you towards well-being and those that never really bring happiness, such as the desire to be right.

Believe You Deserve It

If you think you can't have what you want, take time to examine your limiting beliefs. Make a list of all the things you want, then write all the reasons you can't have them. Are those reasons really true? Have you made decisions about "reality" or made assumptions about others that keep you from even asking for what you want? When you ask people for what you want, you offer them the opportunity to contribute. This is something most of us wish to do.

Prepare for "No"

Asking for what you truly want honors your experience and brings you into deeper alignment with the essence of who you are. You connect with your own humanness and know where you stand which gives you integrity. You are authentic when you ask for what you need and want. Having asked, it may no longer be so important that you get exactly what you want. The asking, itself, is empowering.

Effective Communication

Tony Robbins, a motivational speaker and effective communicator says, "The answer is always 'no' if you don't ask." However, asking is more effective when you follow these guidelines for effective communication:

  • State your need or want clearly, followed by your request.
  • Ask for what you want in the present (not "I wanted you to help me with the meal yesterday.")
  • Ask for what you want, not what you don't want. ("I want you to spend time with me," not "I don't want you to be at work so much.")
  • Ask in the form of a request, rather than a demand.
  • Detach from the outcome. If you are asking, be willing to accept a "no" or negotiate a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Remember empowerment comes in the asking. When you ask for what you want, you have planted the seeds of better communication by disclosing who you are.

Use these tips the next time you need to ask for what you want. Let me know what other things help you ask for what you want.

Until next time,


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